Yankity Spankity
by notjustanyfangrl
Summary: Lucy gets handcuffed to a street meter and let's be real, it's only an average day when you're dating Natsu Dragneel in NYC. Did she mention he was a supposed to be a mature cop? Yeah right.


Natsu was so dead.

Like, 'Lucy would have to call Juvia and Levy to help her bury the remains of his stupidly perfect body' dead.

"Natsu Dragneel!" Lucy screamed, metallic clacks urging on her rage as the handcuff banged around the metal of the street meter. "You get your stupid ass back here or so help me God!" She continued to screech at his retreating back. She watched as he ran faster, and blew her an apologetic kiss as he rounded a corner.

Lucy released a loud noise of anger directed at the sky. A small child looked at her with worried eyes before their mother tugged them along sharply, tapping away on her phone urgently with one hand. Lucy's love-hate relationship with New York was leaning more into the hate aspect right now.

"Bye." She muttered to herself, mocking Natsu's departing squeak. "What the hell do I say to my boss. 'Hi, sorry my piece is late, my boyfriend gently handcuffed me to a street meter and then said 'bye'.'" Lucy hissed to herself, tugging futilely on the metal encircling her one wrist. "He's so not getting laid for a fucking week."

Lucy toed her bag closer, the large tote tipping on it's side and spilling her phone onto the sidewalk, along with a tube of lip gloss, several pens, and a dog eared paperback. She bent down with a sigh, trying to kick her contents back into the canvas bag after she had retrieved her phone. She glared dangerously as she noticed a young man with blonde hair eyeing her purse, nodding to herself as she watched him shrug deeper into his grey hoodie and scurry away.

"Levy, I need you to come to the corner of twelfth and twentieth. And bring Gajeel's spare handcuff key." Lucy sighed heavier as she heard her friend's baffled voice turn amused.

"Why? What did Natsu do now?"

"Guess."

"Your boyfriend's an idiot." Levy chirped, background noise alerting Lucy to Levy leaving her apartment.

"You don't know the half of it Lev," Lucy whined, frowning as she shuffled her bag securely between her ankles, and safely protected from more threatening and broke twenty somethings. "When I woke up from a nap two days ago Natsu had managed to somehow get an orange in my mouth. A whole orange! I still don't know how." Lucy groaned under her breath and let her head fall forward to rest on the top of the parking meter she was now leaning on.

"... Was it a small orange?"

"Levy Ashley Mae McGarden you swore to me you would never bring that up!" Lucy banged her forehead on the unyielding metal. Her handcuffed clanked in sympathy.

"I don't know what you mean, Lucy." Levy hummed innocently.

"I was drunk off of that contraband vodka Cana brought us." Lucy defended weakly. "I don't even remember it."

"Hmmm, well that's a shame." Levy cooed, Lucy closing her eyes as she mentally prepared herself. "Because I sure do. 'Th- the sex feelings, they just flood my body Levy.'" Lucy groaned loudly, trying to drown out Levy's overly slurred voice. "'Like a charging herd of itty bitty elephants. I'm talking small.' You know, I still have no idea what you meant by that. Were you trying to tell us Natsu was smaller than average? Or that he didn't turn you on?" Levy couldn't stop the giggles that shook her voice as she continued to speak to Lucy over the phone.

"Cute." Lucy mumbled into her forearm she had slipped under her chin. "Everything he does is always cute like a herd of tiny elephants. Small means cute okay!"

Levy snorted and Lucy held the phone away from her ear as her friend burst into stomach splitting laughter. She brought it back once Levy had settled down. "Well who am I to deny that logic. You must think I'm adorable then."

"Adorable and closer to Hell." Lucy said back sweetly, laughing as she heard Levy stick her tongue out at her phone. "Are you almost here yet?" Lucy whined.

"Five more minutes." She placated, Lucy _hrmph-_ ing in response. "Talk soon!"

Lucy stared blankly at the black screen of her phone, knocking it lightly on her forehead in agitated motions. A tap on her shoulder made her lift her head in question, a boy looking to be in his mid teens looking at her in awe. "Hey, didn't you used to be a vampire?"

The boy stood to her left, bouncing on his heels and grinning at her. His orange braces stood out against his tanned skin. Her narrowed eyes widened as it dawned on her what he was talking about. "I have no idea what you're talking about." Lucy tried to say off handedly. But instead of remaining cool, calm, and collected, she felt her cheeks heat and her voice crack. She did not need this right now.

"Yeah! You did that sexy halloween spread in Sorcerer Weekly! You know, the one with the lacy black bat bra and that cute little thong and holy shit those leggings and are your tits re-" The youth had started to to ramble, growing more excited and leaning into Lucy's private bubble.

"Alright I'm going to stop you right there." Lucy said flatly, trying to use her best Disappointed Mom face. Which quickly dissolved when it clicked in her head his apparent age. "How did you even get your hands on a copy?" Lucy squeaked in a high voice, leaning back as he encroached even more into her space. She was growing more and more uncomfortable, and was cursing her boss who had convinced her to do the racy spread. "Doesn't matter, don't want to know." Lucy interrupted when she saw him open his mouth excitedly to answer.

Awkward silence fell over them, Lucy scootching away slightly and the teenage boy looking like he was living a dream come true. Lucy's face scrunched in disgust as the thought about the likelihood of it being a wet dream flitted through her mind.

"Lu Lu!"

Lucy breathed in relief when she saw Levy coming down the street, the teen visibly disappointed as his time with his idol was cut short. "Don't you have school?" Lucy asked politely, giving him a fake smile as he swore and hurried off.

"What was that?" Levy asked, brandishing the key with a flourish before freeing Lucy from her kinky confine.

"An admirer." Lucy said dryly, rubbing her wrist and pouting at the offending metal contraption in Levy's hand. She took it silently and slipped it into her bag, ignoring Levy's raised eyebrow. "Anyway, how did you get Gajeel's key so quick? Isn't he on duty right now?" Lucy deflected, Levy shrugging unabashedly.

"We keep a spare in the side drawer."

"Do I want to know why?" Lucy asked slowly. Levy fixed her head band, smiling coyly at Lucy as they started to walk to Lucy's tiny apartment she shared with her possibly soon to be ex-boyfriend Natsu.

"As if you and Natsu haven't tried it at least once." Lucy sputtered at the small blue haired girl's comment. Levy waved off her denials, humming a slightly off tune with a smile on her face. Lucy paused mid stride, looking at Levy with barely suppressed horror.

"Do you have a sex dungeon." Lucy stage whispered. Levy rolled her eyes, shoving Lucy's shoulder.

"Yes!" She exclaimed with another flourish. "In our tiny one bedroom flat on the fourteenth floor, we have a sex dungeon." Levy pantomimed opening a door, her arm waving down the imaginary frame. "Welcome to the butt room."

The two girls held a serious gaze for half a second before breaking into loud laughter, arms wrapping around each other's waists as they continued on down the sidewalk. "I swear, I'll never understand you writer's imaginations." Levy gasped, wiping away tears as Lucy held a hand to her aching ribs.

"It's a gift." Lucy said simply, her previous bad mood pushed to the back of her mind in her best friend's presence.

"You'd love our neighbours though. They make those gas station porn books make sense. I swear to God I've heard them have sex in the walls." Levy complained.

"You mean through?"

"No Lu Lu. _In._ They have like a murphy bed or something. And they have had sex. In. The. Wall." Lucy giggled at Levy's exasperated sigh. "Gajeel thought it was a good idea Lu! 'Keep Pantherlily from watching.'" she mocked in a deep and gruff tone. "'Maybe we could leave it up and have sex in the walls. You're tiny enough for it to work, eh Shrimp? Gihi.'" Levy continued to speak in an imitation of her fiance's voice, shoulders projecting bigger and arms crossed in a cocky manner over her chest.

"Why do we like men?" Lucy sighed, wrinkling her nose as she stepped around a questionable puddle on the side of a building.

"Well I'm pan and you're bi, so we can't really blame anything but our own hearts." Levy replied airily, tapping on her phone to who Lucy assumed was Gajeel by the small smile she looked at the screen with. "Although I have to admit I can't wait to hear Natsu's excuse for this one."

Lucy pouted, mood soured as she remembered what had spurred her to call Levy in the first place. "You and me both."

Levy looked at her slyly, Lucy gulping as fear spread through her blood. She interrupted whatever embarrassing thing her friend was about to say, pointing at a window and pausing mid step. "Levy." Lucy breathed out, already losing it to a round of laughter. "The helicopter is built for sex."

Levy looked over her shoulder, gaze falling on the display window of an adult store, a miniature of a helicopter in the central display. The inside had plush red carpet and seating, as well as working mood lights and an alcohol bar. "You can lay across the seats or recline them." Levy wheezed, leaning into Lucy as they both howled. "What about seat belts? What if you die?" Levy questioned.

"At least they'll go out with a _bang_." Lucy snorted, cackling proudly when Levy proceeded to hit her arm repeatedly.

Once they had contained themselves Levy spoke, dragging Lucy along with her down the sidewalk and ignoring the few odd looks the passing strangers shot them. "That was horrible," she complained.

"You love me." Lucy said easily, beaming under her pun's reception.

"Well I certainly love editing your work." Levy grumbled, Lucy shooting her friend a sympathetic look.

"Bad day?" She asked, smiling when Levy whirled on her and proceeded to rant while walking backwards, trusting Lucy to guide her through the busy sidewalk.

"You don't even know Lucy! Ever since you took that job in investigative journalism I've been forced to proofread all the shitty ones alone! I know I'm still low on the totem poll but _joder_ I may need to start drinking like Cana!" The small girl fumed. She also worked as a categorizer and translator for the Natural History Museum and had an infrequent part time job at the small library her parents owned. Lucy wasn't sure how the tiny girl managed to do it all but she had an idea it was heavily connected to Levy's caffeine addiction.

"I'm sure you'll get a better round next week, Lev." Lucy assured, giggling at Levy's irritated snort.

"''Do I afraid you?' Chris Greyson asked, licking his eyebrow.'" Levy quoted. Lucy stopped walking and looked at her friend blankly. "It's embedded in my brain Lucy! I took like three shots of whiskey and it's _still there_."

Lucy linked her arm through Levy's and gave her pouting face a sympathetic pat on the cheek. Levy groaned and allowed Lucy to drag her along, the rest of the fifteen minute walk filled with more inside jokes and gossiping. They paused outside Lucy's apartment building door, Lucy cocking her hip as she decided what she was going to do. "Want me to go up with you?" Levy asked with raised eyebrows, looking expectantly at Lucy when she let out a heavy sigh.

"No, I'd rather not make you an accomplice to the murder of a police officer. Thanks though, Lev." Lucy smiled, hugging her shorter friend tightly.

"All right. Just call me if you need anything, you're not the only one with a guy on the inside." And with a conspiratorial wink Levy was walking back the way they came. Lucy rubbed the bridge of her nose as she prepared herself to confront Natsu. A part of her was curious to see how he could spin it so he wouldn't be crashing at Gray's tonight.

Lucy walked up the several flights to her apartment, keys jingling in her hand as she fiddled with them. Her thumb brushed over a small charm Natsu had given her, a worn and golden key-shaped thing of plastic that he had said was 'the key to his heart'. A tiny smile crossed her face before she pushed it down forcefully. Now was not the time to reminisce over Natsu's sweeter side. She wasn't quite ready to forgive him so soon, especially before he had even had the chance to grovel for Lucy's forgiveness.

Lucy pushed the door open, staring blankly at the scene before her. Roses were set in a tall glass vase on the counter bar separating the kitchen and main room, petals scattered over the fake granite top. The scent of chicken rose from the oven, and a pot of what looked like an attempt at pasta sat on the front burner. Lucy walked further into the apartment in a daze, noting more flowers spread around room, on the side tables, beside the foot of the couch, even covering the entire window sill. She was so... confused.

"Plue!" Lucy turned her head towards her her writing room -what was supposed to be their spare bedroom- in time to see a white ball of fluff dart from the doorway and towards her. It jumped at her knees, excited yaps spilling from its tiny muzzle. She picked up the tiny dog, cooing and fingering the pink bow tied that was barely visible through the thick fur.

"Hi Pluey, what's mean Natsu done to you now?" she hummed, giggling when Plue gave her gentle kisses on the tip of her nose, vibrating in her arms as he always did. She looked at Natsu, schooling her lips into a thin line when he looked at her, half frozen in the open doorway.

"Fuck." Natsu mumbled, hands dropping to his sides limply. "I'm not ready yet."

Lucy stood still, baffled at her boyfriend's petulant expression. She was still in shock when Natsu came forward and gently took her wrist, leading her to their bedroom. "I wanted to surprise ya but you wouldn't stay outta the house. I figured I could get at least forty-five minutes after leaving you in front of Starbucks. So um," Natsu shuffled to the side, gently pushing Lucy into the room with a hand at the small of her back.

"Ta da."

In the center of their full size bed, Happy- the cat Natsu had adopted from the streets as a teenager and was strangely a bright blue colour- laid on his back, batting around a piece of ribbon. He rolled onto his side, meowing happily and slinking off the cover to come rub at Lucy's ankle. The discarded piece of ribbon sat forlornly on the bed, half tucked under a stack of books. Several volumes were resting neatly on top of one another, their titled spines facing Lucy enough that she could read them.

Lucy gasped loudly, dropping Plue on the edge of the bed and hopping over Happy in her rush to see the books. "No way," Lucy whispered, not noticing Natsu's blush as her breathy and enthusiastic voice reminded him of activities Lucy had been planning on banning him from. "No way, no way, _no way!_ " She spun around, book clutched to her chest with both arms. She beamed at Natsu, who stood back scratching his temple shyly. "How did you get these? They're, they're signed _limited editions_ Natsu!"

Lucy lunged at Natsu, book still pressed against her and acting as a barrier along with her arm as she attempted to give Natsu a crushing hug. She felt his chest shake, and his arms snaked around her waist in a loose hug. "So you like them?" He teased, Lucy nodding enthusiastically, pressing her lips to his quickly but firmly before pulling back.

"But how did you get them?" Lucy questioned, free hand settling on the side of his arm. "They must have cost a fortune..." She pulled her lower lip between her teeth as sudden worry for their scarce finances muted her joy.

"Pshh," Natsu snorted, smoothing out her furrowed brow and causing her to look back up at him. "Like I'd waste food money on a bunch of weird books. Nah, Makarov had them in his collection. Speaking of that, I'm gonna be working overtime. For a month." Natsu gave her a dry smile, hand clamping over her mouth to stop her protests. "I wanted to get them for ya Luce. I know I ain't the richest or smartest or most romantic man you could have but I still like doing things for you. I wish I could have filmed your reaction though. It was even better than when we got Plue from the shelter."

Lucy felt hot pricks at the corner of her eyes. Her arms came up to wrap around Natsu's neck and he dropped his hand in time for her lips to connect with his. They stood there for a few minutes, sweet and gentle kisses turning deeper and hungrier. Natsu pulled away first, Lucy chasing after him with heavily lidded eyes and kiss-plumped lips. He chuckled darkly, nosing Lucy's cheek and returning her passionate gaze. "Happy anniversary Luce."

Lucy's eyes widened and she pulled back sharply, searching for her phone before remembering it was still in her purse. "Nope." She muttered to herself, book pushed into Natsu's chest as she ran to where she dropped her things when she entered the apartment. Falling to her knees she dug through the over sized bag. "Nope nope nope, it is not the twentieth, that's not until next week because I have an article due on the thirty first and that's in another two weeks. So it's not. I did _not_ forget our anniversary." Lucy ripped her phone out of its pocket, staring blankly at the home screen, showing it was indeed 2:17 pm on Wednesday the 20th of April. Lucy whimpered, looking up at Natsu who had followed her and was looking down at her fondly.

"Hey, hey." Natsu chastised with rolling eyes, dragging her up and wrapping her in a tight hug. "You remember the date! You're just hopeless with what day of the week it is," Natsu teased, kissing the top of her hair. Lucy mumbled apologies into his chest, eyes wet. How could she have forgotten? She had plans for this day damn it! She was going to take Natsu rock climbing and then his favourite Thai place and now...

Now she was officially the worst girlfriend in the world.

"You're so cute when you pout, like a little kid." Natsu snickered, pinching Lucy's cheek as her sad pout turned into a scowl.

Lucy batted at his hand, her voice with more of a whine than she would have preferred. "I'm not a child! I'm a woman!"

"Oh yeah?" Natsu prodded, tone cocky and amused enough to irritate Lucy.

"Yeah." She shot back, pinching his nose and tweaking it. His eyes narrowed, sly smirk making her squirm for escape, but she was trapped. And whenever Natsu had her trapped it meant only one thing...

Lucy was going to get tickled. Badly.

She twisted in his arms, flailing for the counter edge but Natsu was already running clever fingers up and down her sides, pulling squeals and loud breathless laughter from Lucy. She gasped, kicking her feet in the air but that only allowed Natsu to carry her further into the centre of the room. Plue and Happy were perched on the sofa, watching with burning apathy as their owners screamed and cackled in the middle of the afternoon. Happy looked more upset at having his nap time interrupted than at Lucy's desperate cries for help.

"Plue! Plue get his ankles Pluey!"

"You like that you 'woman'!" Natsu called in her ear, teasing and playful as he nipped at her lobe. Lucy laughed loudly, hands desperate as they tried to still his. Natsu stopped his assault then, Lucy sagging in his embrace as she caught her breath, leaning her head on his shoulder and sticking her tongue out at him. Natsu returned the childish gesture before kissing her temple.

"And look, we didn't even fuck up my back doing that!" Natsu exclaimed proudly, grinning ear to ear down at Lucy. She rolled her eyes and patted his forearm.

"Aren't you a bit young to have recurrent back problems?" Lucy teased, poking his ribs and making him squeak.

"Tell that to the dickhead who decided they could jump a brick wall!" Natsu defended hotly, pouting at Lucy's exasperated smile.

"So I've heard. And you 'couldn't let him get away' blah blah blah 'couldn't let Frost Tips get more arrests than you' blah blah blah 'not your fault you fell the story and a half onto your back'." Lucy parroted, dancing out of Natsu's arms and laughing at his deep scowl. This was Natsu's most recent story, a chase turned bad that ended up with the suspect in handcuffs and Natsu with two cracked ribs and a messed up back.

Lucy had nearly lost it when she saw him in the hospital, she had ranted for a solid half hour at him about being more careful. And now a little over a month later he was still recovering. Or at least, he should be...

"How _is_ your back better anyway?" Lucy interrogated. Natsu grinned widely, splaying his arms and doing nothing to calm Lucy's mistrust. Cana, the owner of the cop bar a block away from precinct, had been offering more and more outlandish remedies for his problem. One of which involved Lucy walking on his back. Gajeel had suggested falling from the wall again. Mira had thrown out the idea of fucking his spine back into shape, something Natsu had sadly denied as a corrective treatment. Lucy had gotten another martini on the house for her mortification.

"Bixlow recommended this place his grandma used to take him! It was fucking amazing Luce, this old guy just like didn't even speak to me. I just said Bixlow recommended him to me and then bam! Took me past this beaded curtain and people just kept walking in and out, yelling things at each other. He used this heated black thing and kept working my lower back. It was bananas Luce."

Natsu's smile was still bright, as if he hadn't just described Lucy's nightmare. Getting touched by people she didn't know with strangers walking through. She had to live it on her job when she modelled for a few issues and the thought of that happening while she was trying to relax was inconceivable to her. And Natsu called her the weird one.

"Well if your back's all better," Lucy purred, sauntering back to him and pressing her chest against his suggestively, "I still have those handcuffs in my bag. And I might even let you put them back on me, if you ask nicely enough."

Natsu's answering grin was as wolfish as she expected, Lucy's motions seamless as Natsu lifted her to wrap her legs around his hips. "Yeah?" He asked roughly, hand dropping to grope at her ass.

"Yeah." Lucy smiled back, lips sealing his hotly and her tongue quickly swiping against his lower lip. Their kiss was passionate and tinged with ferocity, both trying to dominate the other. It was Lucy's favourite game.

Natsu carried her over to her bag, Lucy hooking a handle with her foot and winking at Natsu as he proceeded to trot to the bedroom, crushing Lucy to the door once it was closed. "We're gonna do the thing tonight." Lucy whispered into his ear, nipping at the lobe when Natsu practically whimpered. The low sound soon turned into a growl, Lucy bouncing on the bed where Natsu dropped her. The antique books sat forgotten on the corner of the mattress, the glint the handcuffs gave off as Natsu swung them around a finger keeping all of Lucy's attention focused. Her pulse stuttered when her eyes flicked to Natsu, his gaze dark as he smirked down at Lucy hungrily.

Some things Levy didn't need to know she was right about.

* * *

 **AN; Hellooooooo peeps! Long time no write, eh? So this was a random fic that caught me by surprise when I saw a post talking about 50 shades quotes, and I thought 'Hey! I can definitely write better than that, and that one could be a humorous nalu prompt!"**

 **So the quotes are:**

 _"Welcome," he said, shoving my hair hard, "to the butt room."_

 _"No way," I cried out orgasmically. "No way, no way, no way."_

 _"When I woke up Christian Grey had somehow gotten an entire orange into my mouth."_

 _"Say it," he commanded. "Yankity Spankity." "Louder."_

 _"He gently handcuffed me to the parking meter. "Bye."_

 _"The helicopter was built for sex, I observed sexily. You could lie across the seats or recline them."_

 _"Christian Grey picked up the long black thing and started working my zone. It was bananas."_

 _"The sex feelings flooded my body like a charging herd of itty, bitty elephants. We're talking small."_

 _"Do I afraid you?" Christian Grey asked, licking his eyebrow."_

 _"It's a Murphy Bed," he explained. "Maybe one day we could leave it up and have sex in the walls."_

 _"Christian Grey mashed on my area with the meat of his hand. "Do you like that, you woman?"_

 _"Hey," I asked "Didn't you used to be a vampire?"_

 **This was had a working title of 'Mistake' lol, and it's surrounded by fics I'm beta-ing, two of the love fest pieces I've started, a bday present, and a half finshied whips! Looks like October will be the month of updates lol.**

 **As always, let me know what you think of this shit post!**


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